


horizons that i haven't discovered yet

by dialecstatic



Series: whatever a sun will always sing is you [10]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bonding, Fluff, Gen, Growing Up, Identity Issues, Mentor/Protégé, Nonbinary Character, Trans Character, agender!doyoung, i got in my feelings over those two but tbh who wouldn't, nonbinary!jeno, trans girl!kun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 03:40:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14886939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dialecstatic/pseuds/dialecstatic
Summary: doyoung finds a new start, and jeno finds an answer.





	horizons that i haven't discovered yet

**Author's Note:**

> this takes place during part 9, "the whole world is moving". consider it a coda of sorts?
> 
> title from "rubik's cube" by athlete

Doyoung doesn't quite consider themself a people person. 

 

They much prefer the closeness of their friend group, as rowdy as it can be, to any sort of outgoing experience, safe in the certitude that all of these people get them, that they know the ins and outs of living as they are. It’s a concrete feeling of comfort, something Doyoung wouldn't trade for the world. 

 

That's why, when Kun asks them to help with her volunteer work, they’re cautious at best. The kids seem nice enough, sure, but Doyoung has enough on their hands with Jungwoo and Yukhei as it is, though they reason that Kun is just the same. 

 

The circumstances are what leaves them a little confused. It’s eleven in the morning on a Saturday with time to spare, but they get a text from Kun asking if they want to join her at the youth center. Everyone knows the work that Kun does there, how she cares for the teenagers that visit like she's in charge of raising them from scratch, how she’d do anything for them to realize themselves. Doyoung thinks it’s admirable, but they never really saw themself doing the same thing. There’s still a lot they have to figure out first.

 

**[You (11:02AM)]** I thought you went last week already?

 

The question is more a way to deflect than anything; Doyoung isn’t surprised in the slightest that Kun would take up overtime for the kids. The reply, however, is too uncharacteristic to not pique their interest.

 

**[Kun (11:04AM)]** Long story. Yixing busy. Please help. Will explain when you get here. 

 

If it’s out of slightly twisted curiosity more than anything else, Doyoung can’t really tell, but they ask Kun for the address just the same before heading out the door.

 

___

 

She’s already there when they get to the door, waiting on the steps that lead into the building. 

 

“Well you look a mess.” they say, taking in the way Kun’s jacket hangs off of her shoulder, the tuft of hair sticking out at the back of her head, how her eyes are heavy with sleep and what looks like a slight hangover. “What happened?”

 

Kun sighs and runs a hand through her hair, finally standing up before pushing the door half open and beckoning Doyoung inside. “Walk with me, I’ll explain.”

 

The walk inside looks too short for everything Doyoung wants to know, and their attention is called by the multitude of posters and flyers stuck to the cork boards that make up the majority of the wall, but Kun keeps a firm hold on their arm like she’s anchoring herself there, and so Doyoung tries to give her their best.

 

“Wait, you and Taeil?” they can’t control the way their voice almost breaks in surprise. “Did I miss several episodes here?”

 

“I don’t know either. I don’t think we meant for it to happen, it just did. We had a great night and I guess we… Connected, or something.” Kun stops right in front of another door, noise coming from the other side. “It’s a bit overwhelming, to be honest?”

 

“I have so many questions.” Doyoung laughs, pausing when Kun hangs her head low. “But I’ll save them for later. What do you need me for?”

 

They figure Kun probably didn’t want to be left alone with her thoughts and a room full of teenagers who, as sweet as they might be, probably wouldn’t be much help with a situation as delicate and intricate as this. Not that Kun would ever expose them to it in the first place.

 

“So Yixing and I have been working on these projects with the kids. Dream boards. With their aspirations, goals, how they see themselves, what they want to become… The whole deal, you know?”

 

Doyoung just nods, thoroughly impressed still by how easily Kun can slip into caretaker mode even with her own head thrown for a spin.

 

“A big part of the boards is about pride.” she continues, “and I thought you would have a thing or two to say about it.”

 

Ah. Doyoung knows that Pride month is starting soon - just about a week, and Ten is already extremely excited about it -, celebrations fast approaching, and reasons it’s as good a time as there ever will be for this kind of activity. 

 

“Why me, though? Feels like Ten or Yuta would be better picks, honestly.” 

 

Doyoung is proud of who they are, this much is undeniable. They hold it up for the world to see, wear it like a badge of honor, always ready to challenge the norms and limitations that would be put upon them. It’s something they’ve never wavered in, even in high school when they were alone against the world for so long, a firm certitude, a reason to keep going. Questions were tough to endure but easier to shut down over time, especially with the growing confidence in the fact that they would never owe anyone an explanation for simply existing.

  
_ “How can you not be anything?” “I am someone. I am myself. And I always will be.” _

 

But despite that, Doyoung never quite thinks of themself as an activist in the purest sense. They like information, facts and figures and concrete thoughts, finding more comfort in recon than in battle. They still march, they still protest, but the frontlines isn’t ever where they feel like they belong.They leave that to Ten, to Yuta, to the fire that burns and warms up their hearts. It’s a balance that works for all of them.

 

“Because,” Kun announces when she’s about to open the door. “They’re good people, but terrible influences.” 

 

Doyoung can’t find any way to refute that. Ten and Yuta are undoubtedly some of the best people they’ve ever met, in all their chaotic glory, but they can be a little rough around the edges sometimes and they have the stitches and scabs to prove it. They know Kun doesn’t mean any harm in what she says, that she probably hopes to introduce the kids to the revolution one day. It’ll just take a bit more time, something Ten and Yuta have never been good at giving themselves.

 

“I guess that’s fair.” 

 

Kun sighs, screwing up her face as if trying to wake herself up twice over. “Okay, ready?”   
  


“I feel like I should be the one asking you that.” Doyoung laughs, dodging an ear pinch as Kun opens the door.

 

As soon as she walks in, her fellow volunteer bustles towards the door, a clothing bag thrown over one arm and his phone stuck between his shoulder and his ear. “Thanks Kun, I’ll make it up to you, have to go now, hope all goes well!” 

 

Kun waves him off, turns to Doyoung as she pinches the bridge of her nose. “Wedding. He’s got a wedding this afternoon.” 

 

Doyoung raises their eyebrows, watching Yixing disappear into the hallway.

 

“Is he… officiating the wedding?” 

 

Kun snorts as she hangs her jacket and stretches her arms above her head as if gearing up for something, and sure enough, two seconds later a wispy teenager with a full head of blonde hair comes nearly crashing into her. 

 

“Oh my- hi Chenle!” 

 

Doyoung can’t help but chuckle at the way Kun catches herself, even when she’s been visibly thrown off her axis by the impact. They guess it really is true what Taeyong told them, how Kun nurtures these kids like they’re her own. Maybe they too can learn a thing or two from today.

 

The introductions are short and painless, with no reason for them to be otherwise after all, and each of the kids seems overly excited, almost acting too young for their age, not that Doyoung can blame them. Summer hits all of them like that, and the prospect of working on the project Kun and her fellow volunteer had been putting in place puts everyone in high spirits.

 

“Thank god Yixing and I brought everything last week already,” Kun whines when she’s folding up the few scattered chairs to make room for everyone to work. 

 

“Are you going to make it through OK?” Doyoung asks, because Kun seems uncharacteristically on edge, but they reason the events of the previous night have everything to do with it and that she’ll still put on her best front for the kids.

 

Kun gives him a tired smile and a thumbs up, and so they don’t ask anymore questions.

 

“Okay everyone, grab anything you need and let’s start!” she announces, tucking a large piece of paper board under her arm. “Doyoung, we’re doing it too.” 

  
  


The afternoon goes smoothly, for the most part. In a way, Doyoung almost feels like they’re sixteen years old again, laying themself out on paper and trying to make sense of it all. They’re a little wiser now, or so they hope, and their board comes together almost by itself, Kun sneaking them pleased looks in between helping the kids.

 

A little ways off from where Jaemin has taken to arranging a of row neatly ordered pink, blue and white stickers all around his board, tongue stuck between his lips in concentration, Doyoung notices Jeno staring at a blank canvas. Their feet carry them there almost on instinct, like something kicked in inside of them that makes them want to help this particular kid, to find the colors they want to put down to fill the void.

 

They sit down cross-legged next to Jeno, unsure of where to start. “Hey. You need anything?”

 

How Kun does this on a nearly weekly basis, Doyoung has no idea. They’re usually pretty confident and straightforward, try to keep the flourishes to a minimum and get straight to the point. But sitting on a hardwood floor next to a seventeen year old on edge is a whole new experience altogether, one that Doyoung realy, really doesn’t want to mess up.

 

“Anything at all, really.” Jeno sighs, fingers idly playing with the tape dispenser. 

 

So that’s what it is. Of course. Jeno is so young still, after all, and Doyoung can’t imagine ever really knowing yourself at that age, much less being able to express it as freely as the others are doing. 

 

“You know,” they start, reaching over for the stack of old magazines just so they have something to do with their hands. “It’s a process that’s different for everyone.” 

 

Flipping through the magazines - movies ads and home decor and avant-garde editorials - Doyoung remember how hard it was, at Jeno’s age, to be exposed to such a constant stream of images, colors and sounds, and not be able to see yourself in any specific one. They imagine it’s like that now, for Jeno, seeing every one of the other kids’ progress and feeling left behind.

 

“Let’s start simple.”

 

They trace their fingers over the blank paper in senseless patterns, trying to get Jeno’s attention. “How did you realize?”

 

“Realize…” Jeno repeats, tilting their head to the side in thought. “I guess I always kind of knew? I mean, all the other kids my age are always so obsessed with ‘boy stuff’ and ‘girl stuff’ and I really don’t… I really don’t see the point. I don’t care.”

 

“Do you not care? Or do you wish you didn’t?” Doyoung says, and they immediately know they’ve hit a nerve when Jeno frowns.

 

The teen curls up tighter, drawing their knees to their chest, eyes straining on the paper. “I wish no one cared that much.”

 

That’s something Doyoung can understand. At Jeno’s age, they’d also been desperately trying to let go of those things, the preconceptions that they felt were suffocating them. They never wanted to be this or that, to fit in some arbitrary boxes decided ages ago. They just wanted to be.

 

“I get that. So you don’t think you fit in either or?” Doyoung tries to ask the questions they asked themself back then and it seems to work, Jeno visibly trying to relax next to them.

 

“I don’t. I don’t want to have to, you know?”

 

“Oh, believe me, I know. And I’m going to tell you a secret,” Doyoung tentatively puts a hand on Jeno’s shoulder, and is relieved when they don’t push it away. “You _actually_ don’t have to.”

 

Something seems to click in Jeno when Doyoung says that, a smile slowly spreading across their face. If Doyoung were to guess, they’d assume no one from outside this room has ever actually told Jeno in so many words that they could just exist without needing to fold themself into a case where they don’t belong.

 

“It’s weird, right?” Jeno mumbles, picking through markers. “I mean, Haechan, Jaemin, Chenle... they don’t seem to struggle so much with it. They’re just being themselves. I wish I had the strength to go out and do that.”

 

Doyoung purse their lips in thought for a moment. It’s too easy, they know, to feel like everyone has it better than you, that they’re happier and stronger. They remember Taeyong telling them about the encounter they’d had here with Jaemin, how the boy had broken down in front of them despite putting up such a brave front earlier in the day.

 

“Everyone has different ways of dealing with this.” Even now as a young adult, Doyoung isn’t sure what ‘this’ is. “Don’t compare your struggle to anyone else’s. Just do you, and you’ll be fine.”

 

They hold out their pinky finger, trying to give Jeno their best confident smile. “I promise.”

 

Jeno seals the promise, and the way their smile reaches their eyes gives Doyoung some new hope.

 

 

___

 

The afternoon passes with no time for Doyoung to even realize. Before they know it, both they and Jeno have full boards in front of them, Jeno’s a rough self-portrait of lines with the inside left blank.

 

“I’ll fill it out on my own time.” they’d said, before decorating the outside of the silhouette with anything and everything that came to mind. “Maybe putting all the pieces in front of me will give me an idea!”

 

Doyoung can’t help but admire their spirit. There’s something quite inspiring about seeing someone that young take the struggle in stride and decide, after all, to turn it into something positive, an occasion for self reflection and growth. 

 

They know Jeno still has time. There’s no need to rush into this, Doyoung knows, from their own experience, from having known Jaehyun for a while now and still watching him grasp at ideas and try to put them together. They spend long hours listening to him trying to unravel the threads of his own existence, and every new knot he detangles seems to push him towards bloom a little more. Doyoung has no doubt it’ll happen for Jeno too. They will all find what they’re looking for in the end.

 

“Thanks for coming today, Dodo.” Kun says, propping her chin on their shoulder.

 

They make a face at the nickname - Jungwoo had no idea what he’d unleashed by revealing it to the group -, but end up smiling just the same. “I’m glad you called me. I thought… Actually, I’m not sure what I thought, but I had a fun day.”

 

Their eyes follow the movements in the room as the kids prepare to leave, packing their backpacks and trying to figure out how to take their boards home, Renjun trying to whack everyone over the head with his in the process. Haechan tentatively rolls theirs up, trying to make sure nothing gets folded or crumpled, and Jeno is standing there laughing at all of them, the proverbial twinkle in their eye making something stir in Doyoung’s heart.

 

“If you ever need more help, don’t hesitate.” they hear themself say. Kun shifts at their side, squeezing their arm.

 

“Jeno’s a good kid, right? I knew you’d like them.” 

 

Doyoung nods, tries to settle the thoughts racing in their head. “They’re like looking in a mirror.” 

 

There’s something in them that tells them to look after Jeno from now on, save them the heartache and the uncertainty. But Doyoung has learned to take their own advice, and just like Jeno’s story is different from that of their peers, Doyoung knows their own is too. They can't steer Jeno on the path they took, because it might not the the right one twice over. So they simply decide to wait it out, and guide Jeno best they can. 

 

They may not have all the answers, but they’ll be damned if they don’t try.

 

**Author's Note:**

> endless thank yous to everyone who still follows this little series <3
> 
> a lot of people have told me they'd love to see more of the dreamies in this verse, and recently i have a lot of Feelings about doyoung & jeno's sweet friendship, so i had to write them a little somethings ;u;
> 
> there's a chance there might be a little bit of time before the next update, because it will be another special one that will require a bit more planning, preparation and time to write. thank you~
> 
> many thanks to bru, dylan & ricki as usual, my favorite enablers. thank you also to lauren for her help steering this in the right direction!
> 
> as always, i'm over on [twitter](http://twitter.com/diaminghao) if you wanna talk!
> 
> cya!


End file.
